Hey @Hope_4  It is great to hear that you will be booking in a coaching session this week! I know you mentioned that you were researching around ADHD, and I thought I would share a post we have here around ADHD as well as a collection of resources we have here. I thought you might find these helpful to have a read through. We also have a youth community here which your daughter may be interested in joining. We have some spaces specifically for our neurodivergent community. We also have some resources around ADHD for young people here. Take care and all the best with the coaching service. ... View more

There is more to this than stigma. What else caused this girls suicidal depression? Do you know what she goes through in her life? Maybe talking to her would be the best place to start. Encouraging her to be open about having been landed with a psych diagnosis and a psychiatric management team isn't the easiest thing to take on at age 14. Give her time. And space. How about encouraging her interests that help her feel happy about life?  Finally.  Has your child been checked by a health professional to rule out any physical causes? Keeping dangerous items away from her will only help for so long. Anybody can get their hands on those implements easily. I hope you can help shift her focus away from harming herself by giving her ways to understand there is alot of hope and plenty of time to have everything she'd like in life. That this all will pass is an important point to get her to understand also. Being 14 can be a very scary time and emotional roller-coaster when hormones are going biserk inside us, you need to help her be aware it's not going to feel like this forever. Help her expand her focus. Take her to fun groups, go on health retreats, explore hobbies, just don't help her to be a suicidal depressed teenager by worrying about the fact she doesn't like talking about it. ... View more

Hi there, Sorry to hear about your daughter. I’ve been in your daughters shoes. I’ve had a concerned Mum like you and I’ve tried the support she recommended to me that most people in her and your shoes believe should work. In my case Counselling failed epically (I lasted 1 session), because most counsellors give advice that based on non-experiential learning.That session only reinforced my belief that a counsellor would not get it. I never sought out counselling again and stopped on my own. I’ve looked into recovery models and while some are good and may work, they wouldn’t have worked for me. I hate giving things a label but your daughters ‘situation’ Is a very shameful, taxing, emotional, vicious cycle that you can’t possibly understand or relate to unless you are going through it or have been through it. Tbh, when I was in her position, I couldn’t comprehend enough why’s to help me get to the how to stop part of the equation. But I figured out enough to stop eventually.... Here’s what I learnt: - bulimia has an average life cycle of 10 years - like any addiction or habit change, an individual will not stop, alter or change their behaviour unless they want to - habits don’t stop they’re substituted with new ones. That’s imperative for recovery. Identifying an activity that is healthy to replace the unhealthy one. - One nominated support person is helpful for the person wanting to change. That person must be incredibly understanding and sensitive if they haven’t been through what the person seeking help has. I feel the best support person is someone who can relate. That support person needs to develop goals led by the person they are helping depending on ‘how in the thick of it’ they are. For example, If a person is bingeing and purging 3 times a day ... a goal of quitting cold turkey is unrealistic. Why? Because they are highly emotionally tormented, the stomach acid and gut bacteria changes more the more often one purges making the purger want to end the urge to purge as result by bingeing again. They want to stop because it’s horrible, physically traumatic, embarrassing, unhealthy and they feel out of control, guilty to no end and hopeless /helpless because they can’t figure out the whys and how’s to stop. A mentor needs to create a strategy that’s achievable and occasionally counter intuitive. A goal could start with how long the person purging thinks they can go without doing it again. It could start with 3 days, The next goal could be 1 week etc. This is a work in progress and the mentor should only encourage the purger not to binge when they reach out if they reach out before the goal period and if they are so emotionally detailed tell them it’s okay to and to let them know when they want to reach out to reset a new more achievable goal. The model won’t work if the purger feels so embarrassed and ashamed that they want to avoid putting themselves through that level of shame again. A lot of understanding questions need to be asked ... - why did the purging start ? - have they stopped before and what did their life environment look like at the time ? - what or who is incentivising them to repeat the pattern and or the pros and cons of the pattern - what support and environment they need to stop? - pressure or negative things in their life? - why they feel out of control ? Brainstorming, regularly revisiting the pros and cons, constantly evaluating the positives and negatives in their life over a time continuum and pivoting and resetting in a student led manner is also important. Mirror therapy and self directed reading on psychology is helpful too. Feeling safe, understood and supported is essential to successful long term change. The reality that you need to make peace with is that this is someone else’s journey and the timeline of the journey is up to them. It simply may take a long time for them to stop. Change takes time and the best medicine for your daughter is respect, empathy, love, patience, tolerance, acceptance, support and unconditional love and discretion. You’ve got to make her see that you love her and want her to feel better. Feeling better cones with education, self love, direction, safety, belonging and the wisdom to know that it will get better and that it will take time. All the best. Feel free to touch base with me if you want to talk. C ... View more

Hi @Elena, I can hear your distress in your words, and I can't imagine seeing my daughter in that kind of pain. My heart goes out to you, and of course to your daughter.    Has the hospital given your daughter a diagnosis? I can only imagine how desperate you must feel after the hospitals words. It amazes me that a health professional could say that after giving you no hope in being able to do more for her. My personal opinion would be to go to another hospital, or doctor. Get a few opinions.    Where abouts is her pain can I ask? I'm thinking about what alternatives there might be for pain treatment/management.    Take care for now.       ... View more

A ten year old child has a lot of growing and maturing to do in the next few years, so in my humble opinion, I'd take care with the losing weight business. I'd be inclined to make just a few changes, in the direction of eating healthy foods rather than necessarily losing weight. I also am overweight, and so was my daughter when she was 10. I thought I was doing the right thing by losing weight with her, but she couldn't stop and developed anorexia, That was even more scary. Your child is likely to gain a reasonable bit of height in the next few years, so take it easy. ... View more

I love this idea @Ngaio-RO. I'd have a lot of things to say too   One of mine would be "the whole world is not against you. there will be key people who come across your path who believe in you - you've got to take the risk and believe the things the say about you, even if you don't see it in yourself. they will be pivotal moments" ... View more

Not at this stage @hippychick but I'm certainly not giving up on that :) I'll keep the occasional subtle suggestions up until she's ready  ... View more

I loved your post. Humour does make you brave. I too felt overwhelmed at things that occurred in our family and close extended family (all health related) and when my health was involved it added to the load.  i learnt that laughter and looking at the funny side of some things really helped. It did not take it away but i felt a slightly lighter load.  Also time is a great strengthener as you go through things you realize how incredibly capable you are. I take the time now for me- exercise (always a walk near the ocean), coffee with a friend, and special time with my husband separate from day to day routines. it all helps.  I also get my family to talk about 'three best things' so that the negative thoughts/happenings are trumped by positive if possible.    ... View more

Hi @Ngaio-RO   Yes, it's definitely something. I think I'd hoped I could do more, I had a few suggestions! But actually, having those supports in the sidebar that's on each page is giving people resources right then and there if needed. That is a good thing!   I've sent through an email with the link.    Thank you 😊     ... View more

Great idea @Elena and you're right, this is a practice that is often used by parents who have teenagers who absolutely refuse to seek help for themselves. There are some services, for example Headspace, that can''t work with family members unless the young person is 'compliant' but not all of them have these constraints. It's usually just a matter of calling around local services and explaining your situation.   Another option is attending a parenting course. A Google search should let you know what's in your area and what the cost might be. ReachOut parents are currently providing a free coaching course, you can read more about it here.   I guess the point that Elena and I are making is, as frustrating as it can be to watch our teenagers suffer but not be able to try getting help, we are not powerless. By building our resources, we can improve how we respond and engage with them and how we feel about ourselves as people and parents, which has a wonderful flow on effect to our kids.   Hope this helps @DameZola ... View more

Yes thankyou Ngaio-RO, I did find other help, it just took a while. ... View more

hi @Elena Welcome to ReachOut Parents! So lovely to have you posting here. I hope you hang around. :)   I think that guilt is such an easy trap for parents to fall into that we start to believe it's NOT OK to do anything that only benefits us. I think, historically, men used to be better at it (I'm thinking back to when men spent all Sunday playing golf etc.) but unfortunately I think they've joined women in the 'it's too selfish' camp. Which is bizarre because I completely agree with what you say about "If I fell apart from stress it would make things harder for all of us." That is so true for the families I know. We don't have extended families like we used to so we don't get the same breaks, child care is so expensive I know families that can barely afford it when it's used for work, let alone to cover some 'me time'!  And now so much of the research about healthy teenagers is that we need to be present and available. It's hard to know how to fit in self care. But it's essential to find it, to build our resilience.   My favourite solution is to find things that check several boxes at once like exercising with friends, or doing something fun my kids can come along to, or socialising with study or work friends. This way I can do a couple of things for me without taking too much time from the family. ReachOut Parents is like that too. Checks a few boxes at once. :)   What about @alant  @Maggiemay or @seaglecc , how do you guys self care? ... View more

It is difficult as each child thinks you favour the other one. I used to tell them that their sister was the person that would be closest to them when they grew just a bit older, sisters have all their upbringing and environment in common even if they are quite different in personality. And it actually happened. They are very close now, but I'm not sure if telling them this helped!   ... View more

Many people have been supportive of my D coming out but not everyone has been accepting of her. To be honest I was completely stunned myself at first. Many people say that it is no surprise when their child comes out, because they had always suspected it, but that wasn't the case for me. I had known that my D was struggling badly, but had focussed on dealing with the anorexia, because it was life threatening.  It is a whole whirlwind of emotions that I went through, luckily I was relatively calm when she told me and was able to say something appropriately loving, but after that I felt shocked, numb, like someone had kicked me in the stomach, worried, anxious, embarrased even. But in the background I was aware that my daughter had been dealing with all of this by herself for years, and the idea of that lonely confusion and suffering just about broke my heart, and I realised that this was her story, and that my job as her parent was to love her unconditionally and support her. I can't undo the pain she has been through, but I can be on her side now. So really I can't judge others who do not understand what it is like to have a different sexual orientation BUT kindness and compassion does not require total understanding, and we owe all people kindness and compassion. I'm also learning to appreciate the amazing and tallented daughter that I have....a daughter to be proud of. ... View more