Hi @missymoo13 , welcome to the ReachOut community! It takes strength to reach out for support, and your willingness to connect here shows just how resilient you are as a parent. It's clear that you care deeply about your children and their well-being.  I’m really sorry to hear about the challenges you and your family have faced and are currently facing. Dealing with family violence and the subsequent impacts on your children sounds incredibly painful and overwhelming, and I wanted to acknowledge your courage in facing such difficult circumstances. It's understandable to feel let down by systems that were meant to protect your family. Your commitment to self-care amidst these circumstances is admirable. Taking care of yourself, no matter how small the gesture, is crucial during tough times. Your tip for parents navigating the teenage years is insightful and reflective of your understanding of the importance of giving teens the space to grow and discover themselves. It can be really important to strike that balance between offering support and granting independence.  I encourage you to create your own thread here to share more about your journey and to connect with other parents who may be going through similar challenges. And I wish you all the luck in finding connection and support within the ReachOut community ... View more

My lovely, healthy children. My well-being. The ability to go my own way. ... View more

I hear you when you say you feel like you're on a roller coaster and that you have no idea what to do. It can be incredibly confusing. But is there a possibility that you could decide to do nothing and just see what happens for a while? ... View more

Hi , I just read your post and totally understand what you have been going through! My 15 year old Daughter is doing the same thing. She is currently suffering from severe depression, and self harm, she has found herself a boyfriend that is no good either and is telling her that his life is not worth living but  if she stays in a relationship with him, he will not hurt himself. We asked her to end the relationship as they both need to get help , i do not know his parents so I went to his school as i was concerned about his safety even though i was not sure if it was just his way of keeping my Daughter from breaking up with him. We have got our Daughter to see a Psychologist to help , and taken all technology away to stop her contacting this boy. After a month we gave her phone back and she went straight back to contacting him, so we have taken all technology away again. We are only trying to protect her and get her better but she is just telling us we are making her miserable, so hard as we dont know what else to do. I hope you are doing ok with your Daughter      ... View more

This is so hard and heartbreaking to think your child is lonely or struggling. It is ok for your boy to be alone - not lonely- but solo. Our's didn't prioritize friendships until senior years and still doesn't have a strong group of friends but we encourage him to be strong and happy to spend time with himself. At times, it worried him, but he can still fit in when needed and loves time to be alone as well. Remember, even loners can change the world. We did ensure he always had a handball or basketball to take to school and a book to read. We didn't push sports but it is important for boys to be part of some sort of team so ours did scouts where he learnt group skills but could still work at his own pace.  Ours is anxious and struggles with change but we did a lot of work on social expectations/etiquette, explaining the difference between shy and rude. It helps to know what the social routines are so they come automatically and boys can spare thinking for the big stuff. Everybody excels at something. Everybody needs to excel at something. So maybe you can find something that gives him joy or a feeling of success. Music? Art? Volunteering? Writing?  Animal Shelter? Kids want to feel valued not only by their families but by the greater community. This will help him find positive ways of building self-esteem and exploring self-identity. It gives him a topic of conversation and positives to build on.  Sorry I haven't got time for more but wish you luck. It does get better. We never imagined our son would be where he is today.  Big hugs. ... View more

Thank you SO much for taking the time to write that encouraging and helpful response! I appreciate it more than I can say. You've given me lots to think about, and you've given me hope. I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I was so close minded with the school situation and I just wanted her to be out of the house, fighting her demons no matter how hard. Sometimes I have a difficult time understanding her anxiety and how hard it must be for her, and why she can't just get up and go. Your message reminded me that I need to be much more patient and understanding, and to be happy that she hasn't given up on life completely. Thank you for your support!!!! ... View more

Hi @starheartfish,   So I have had a bit of a look for resources in your area that might be helpful. If your son is open to seeking help for the addiction, there are programs such as SMART Recovery which can be really helpful program based on peer support. Local public health programs are also available in your state.   Has your son visited a pain clinic at all? This might also be another option to explore pain management options that don't include addictive pain medications. Your local doctor or specialist your son is seeing may be able to provide more information about this.    If you want to speak to someone over the phone, there is also a national Drug and Alcohol Counselling helpline (1800 888 236)    Is your son's doctor still overseeing his recovery? ... View more

Hello @Poppy4105   ,   Welcome to these discussion boards.  It's such a good group of people here and I hope that you find the supportive community you're looking for.   I need to acknowledge that I am not from Australia and I'm not familiar with Centrelink payments.  I did a little bit of reading about it, but certainly do not understand the nuances of it.    Also, my children are younger by just a little bit so I'm not yet familiar with parenting children at an age where it becomes even more important to help them achieve skills for independence (whatever version of independence might mean for her).   From the start, I want to acknowledge that you mentioned you are parenting a child with health concerns.  I don't know what that means, nor do you need to tell us; but, I know that ‘health issues’ can mean a whole spectrum of challenges, and I imagine that this may have had an impact on you in some way (little or small, in the past or in the present). The fact that you are here, asking questions about what you think is fair for her and what is reasonable for her, is testament to the fact that you want to do right by her.      I know it's hard to predict, but do you expect the support payments to be long term or short term?  Do you anticipate her living with you for quite a while?  Does her health situation preclude her from understanding or taking part in financial decision making? Is your daughter currently making sound decisions about her financial situation? (trust me, I need to work on making ‘sound financial decisions’, too--I mean, is she making risky choices about her finances in terms of substances or gambling or shopping or...).   As @Janine-RO  mentions, it might be helpful for your daughter to understand and take part in budgeting and financial literacy skills. This income support--if it's anything similar to the country in which I live--can be less than adequate, and it may be important (depending on your daughter's situation) for her to get a realistic sense of what these supports can cover.    As wishy-washy as my answer seems, I think the answer to your question depends so much on where your daughter is in life right now.   For example, is she attending school? Growing up, the rule in my family and in my husband's family was that we would not have to contribute to household expenses if we were in school or training--in other words, if we were taking 'active steps' towards investing in our future, we didn't have to pay.  For some, going to school might mean that the child is not expected to contribute to household expenses.   At the same time, we know life hands us big curve balls, and there are times when school or work are just not possible for a variety of reasons.  In those cases, 'active steps towards investing in their own futures' might mean regular, consistent, and ongoing counselling. Perhaps, for some, that might be the criteria for living ‘rent free’.   And, for others, having our child within a stable environment might be the goal and contribution to household expenses might be the lesser goal. For example, my teenager went through a very risky stage and was running away and participating in very risky activities. The goal for us was to have her return and stay in the family home (again, she was younger at the time, and I’m not sure what I would do if she were 19 and doing the same).   For some, contributing to household expenses can be considered 'forced savings'.  Once I started earning money and was still living in my family home, I contributed to rent, food, and so on.  My parents didn't tell me at the time, but they kept the money and put it aside.  Then, when I moved out, this money became a bit of a 'nest egg' for me. My parents were in the financial situation where they could do this and, ideally, I should have been able to save money for myself. But, they knew me, and anticipated that I might not have been able to save as much as I would have liked.    And, of course, it also depends on your own financial situation. Perhaps you’re in a tighter situation where it is difficult to shoulder your 19 year old’s expenses. That might come into play, as well, and that’s a very reasonable consideration.   I know this answer is all over the place, @Poppy4105 !   I hope you keep us updated.      ... View more

Oh @Sudburykids  I can hear your concern, sadness, and worry, and I'm glad you found your way here to this forum. It seems there are, at least, two big things going on here. First, she is, as you mention, the baby of the bunch. And, yes, there is much adjustment that needs to happen as the family 'adapts' to this sudden and unpredicted change. But, the second concern seems to be your worry about her safety and the vulnerable position in which she may find herself. Her boyfriend is abusive. Her living situation rests on the goodwill of a friend's parents. The decisions she is making seem to be made quickly and perhaps without full thought. I have a few questions that may help us understand the situation better... 1) It sounds like the move was a surprise. Can you tell us a little bit about her situation pre-move? How was her relationship with your family? Did things seem fairly stable or precarious in her life? Were there any concerns about her mental health or risky activities? (and, I understand if you don't want to share too much yet here. I get that. And, as you can see from the forum, parents find themselves here for *all sorts of reasons). 2) Is she still attached to her education? Was she going to school before she moved? Does she plan on going to school where she is? School can be a little bit of a predictor of some degree of stability/routine. 3) Has she given any indication of finances? Does she have a plan for paying for food, lodging, cell phone, transportation and so on? Does she have a job or a plan to find safe work? 4) Is she welcome home again? Does she have the option to change her mind and come home to the family home again, or does this seem like such a breach of relationships/trust that your family feels she must try and make a go of it on her own? I don't know if you view this as a 'running away' situation or an 'i'm an adult and I'm branching out on my own'....and I realize that I may be viewing this through the lens of my own experience. I had a daughter who ran away (she was younger than your gal) and, given our particular situation and her younger age, it was important to us that she always knew she could come home. We wanted to ensure that she knew she was welcome home, and we tried to anticipate the fact that it would be hard for her to admit that she wanted to come home. We were also concerned about money and thought that she might do risky things or stay with risky people for accommodations and money. So we, personally, wanted to make sure that she had *some access to money (certainly not a lot). Again, I know this was a different situation because there are always different mitigating factors. I'm glad that there is still contact with her. The fact that she talks to you, answers some of your texts, and lets you know even a few details of her life is good. I know you're hurting. Please post again. ... View more

@Zayray    Hello fellow mama,  I'm glad you posted an update, and I'm glad that you are considering professional help.  Yes, we can assume there will be future outbursts/problems with his drinking (his past behaviour has demonstrated this, and it doesn't seem he has voiced any plan to reduce his drinking). I imagine you and your daughter will rest easier knowing that there is plan in place to deal with potential future incidents, and address past harms.     I encourage you (and your daughter) to think about the impact that his drinking has versus trying to assess whether he is an alcoholic or not (and I hope that any professional who works with your daughter considers that as well).   I certainly don't know whether he is an alcoholic or not, but from what you've told us, his drinking (whether regular or sporadic, whether 'a little' or 'a lot', whether during the day or night, and so on) impacts your daughter's well being and sense of safety. Period.   Your gal is lucky to have you, and lucky that you hear/see her concern---and so good that your daughter is involved in the school show.  Yay, mini@Zayray      ... View more

Hello @mugs1170  sorry its taken so long to get back.....Life has bee very hectic Our family felt so lost when my daughter was first discharged.  We had no idea what was right or wrong and how much supervision was required.  We kept cabinets locked, and we installed cameras throughout the home.  alarms on the doors in case she tried to sneak out and locks o the windows,  For about 2 months she was always supervised.  although she was allowed some alone time in her room- just no locked doors.  I remember the times we went through this exhausting and hellish.  Therapy of some sort about 5 days per week.  She also went into a day program for a month where she learned some cognitive behavior tips.  I basically had to work only part time to help get her to all her appointments and still bring her to work with e on other days.   And school turned into home schooling.  we put a tracker on her phone too.  Everything we went through was trial and error.  So I'm just offering a few things that might help.   The cameras I must say were a big comfort to me. I know you are currently going through the most exhausting all consuming challenge of your life.  I never imagined it would happen to us either.  But there were times in the throws of everything that I couldn't imagine her getting well.  But it does happen....it really does recovery happens.  Just not as fast as we would like.  Hugs   ... View more

@lookingforhlp28    Oh, sweetie.  I hear your deep love and concern for your daughters. I will come back, write a longer response, and check in with you soon (it's night time in my part of the world), but I did not want you to welcome you to this community of great folk.  Your pain has been heard.    It is very, very difficult being the parent who tries to 'hold the no'/keep boundaries for the safety of your gals, as well as the well being of everyone else in your home.     From what it seems, your husband may have been trying to reinforce the rules of your home as well?  No abusive language and so on.  If that is the case, then I wouldn't have him apologize.  If things were said in addition/in heat that that warrant an apology, sure...maybe an apology on his part is warranted.  But, I wouldn't dwell on his behaviour as his actions seem like a bit of a 'red herring' in all of this.    Do the girls receive counseling at all?  Do you receive counselling as a family (any combination of family members)?  What about you?  Do you have a counsellor that supports you?     I get your worry that you will never see the girls again and that they might never go to your home again.  It sounds like you and your older daughter have recently transitioned back to having a relationship again and I imagine the fear of losing her again seems very close and real. Plus, your fears are further magnified by the absence of solid parenting at their dad's house.   I get that.    Is there the opportunity to meet with them somewhere else?  Take them for lunch or another outing?  Yes, to some it might seem that you're rewarding their behaviour, but perhaps the goal is to just make a little bit of contact again. If they will meet you, then maybe the message is that their behaviour towards you has been unacceptable *and, at the same time, you will always love them.      One of the future goals might be too call them on their behaviour and establish some home rules, but perhaps the focus now, when things are more tenuous, is on 'connection' over 'correction'?   Are they still engaged with/attending school?  Is there a school counsellor there that can be of any support?  Initiate contact with them etc.?     Again, welcome to this forum.  Please send an update or more details when you can.          ... View more

Dear @compassion Thank you for touching words. It brings me so much joy to hear your girl is also doing well. It's so amazing to hear she repairing her family relationships and involved in school. Your not being naive....you know,we have teens andvtgey will make mistakes. But I don't sweat the small stuff that parents who haven't been down this road do. And I'm sure you are like me. We are in a place of gratitude it's an eye opener and lifts tgat heavy weight we've carried for the past few years. I sure hope parents reading this understand there truly is hope even when you can't see through the fog of complete desperation and brokenness. Thank you so much for your WONDERFUL update 😊 ... View more

Hi @Alexendra    Just posting here to let you know that I had to edit your post. I removed the second half of it because we prefer if our users are not linked to, or told to book in with, specific health organisations. Please have a read of our guidelines here for more information on the kind of posts we want and don't want to see on our forum. Thank you  ... View more

@PapaBill  @JAKGR8  @compassion @Dad4good  Thank you all so much for your kind words and wishes!    I will miss this community and the wonderful support that goes on  ... View more

@momof2boyz  Thank you for following up with us.  I do hope that CPS contacts you to give you an update themselves. I imagine that you will be more settled once CPS outlines a structured plan to transition your kids back to your care.   I do want to clarify something that I wrote in my initial post to you. In my first post to you, I said that I was glad that your children were at your mother's house.  However, what I meant was that I was glad that your children were at your mom's house (assuming they are familiar with her home) over an unfamiliar home (I've edited the original post to better reflect my meaning).  We are on these boards trying to figure out the best environment in which our kids can thrive and be safe/healthy.   I hope you keep us updated.   ... View more

Hey @compassion    Thanks so much for sharing. I think it's really good how you've reflected on the underlying reasons for your kid's school refusal and got the help you needed. It sounds like the school were very helpful and on board with improving your kid's well-being.   We really appreciate the advice you have shared and we believe it will be useful to many other users here.    ... View more

Hi @compassion  Thank you for your sweet sentiments!  I am confident we will all experience more joy and less sorrow in 2019.   Hey @Faob_1 I know you are still in the thick of things with court and uncertain about the next steps.  Sometimes the waiting is the worst part- its so hard to formulate a plan when your not sure what's gonna happen next.  I love your sense of humor!  I'm sure it helps through some really stressful times.  One thing I have learned over this past traumatic year is to not overlook the good times. I don't take the little happy moments for granted like I did in the past.  I love what you said about just trying to smile and be happy with your family! ... View more

Hi @Love4ever, thanks for taking the time to update us and add some more information to the situation. It sounds like things are working out and have been taken care of. Have you spoken to your grand-daughter about her feelings of anger, rejection and being unloved? Despite not wanting to see her Mum again, I imagine the situation would be difficult and heartbreaking for her nonetheless. It is great that you are seeking professional help for this! ... View more

@Adrianr29 I hope you are doing well.  I just saw that I was tagged earlier on in the conversation so I'm sorry that it's taken me a bit to join this conversation.    I can see that you have multiple concerns, and it's clear the welfare of your partner's daughter underpins all of them.  She is fortunate to have your concern for her, and your boyfriend is fortunate that you are offering different perspectives.   First, I see that you are concerned about her present and future; you see that she may be short on a few different lifeskills that will help her have a successful future (financial responsibility, personal accountability as examples).     Second, it seems that you're also concerned about your boyfriend (that he isn't 'taken advantage of' or doing more than you think is helpful for her independence).   Third, it seems that there may a question of how the parenting of his daughter affects your relationship with him?  I don't recall if you're living with him/them or not but I imagine that his relationship with her would impact your relationship with him in some way.    Are there outside supports that you can seek out?  Couples counselling for the two of you? Family counselling for the two of them, or the three of you?  I'm wondering if anyone would be amenable to that? Perhaps help with setting boundaries or house 'rules' and expectations? Or, identifying patterns that might lead to more volatility or resentment?   Again, I hope you are doing well.     ... View more

Just a second reminder that ReachOut forums are anonymous, as a result I edited and removed some comments. As per the guidelines, please refrain from sharing names, locations, email addresses or social media pages.    In line with what @compassion has detailed, are there any hobbies or activities that your children enjoy doing? Do any of these activities have a social aspect to them? Does the school or community offer any support or resources for combating loneliness? There are sometimes after school care programs or holiday programs so kids can get out of the house to do something fun for the holidays   @lalyjelly239 @Lonelychild @Motherofteen ... View more

@Dad4good Thank you for this.  Yes, I have had to quickly modify my role and expectations. I agree that it's so very difficult but, as you mention, it's important to foreground the relationship.    For example, last year my daughter was doing very risky things with her phone.  We then monitored her phone very closely (taking it away, installing monitoring apps and so on).  Our intent was good (in that we wanted to prevent harm) but it dramatically altered and harmed our relationship. Don't get me wrong--I would probably do the same thing again with her phone (and still wish that we took it away more permanently) but I would have done so in a way that better preserved the relationship.    I'm glad that your son returned home. How are things going with your son right now?     ... View more

Hi @lighthouse369,   That sounds very familiar, unfortunately!   My son also expresses anger when setting boundaries (I have the same issue with screen time). I give him 10 minute warning (which I do in a very "friendly" voice) but when it comes to handing over the device he says "just wait a minute" and if I try and reach for it he can get physical.   I haven't figured out a good way around the problem with boundaries. My son has ODD so it pretty much happens every time I ask him to do something. Looking forward to receiving that magic wand that you are supposed to get when you become a parent. It must be stuck in the mail!   Best of luck! ... View more

Hey @Kyb50, it sounds like your daughter is really intelligent and involved in extra-curricular activities at school. It is such a shame that she hasn't been able to make friends. I do agree with @compassion that it is important to be involved in activities that have a social aspect to them to create an outside identity and get some kind of interaction in. How has all of this impacted you?  ... View more